Ok, so my last couple of emails have been pretty intense. I’d like to lighten things up a bit, and tell you a story about a time when things *totally didn’t go the way I wanted,* and it was still awesome!
I don’t want to sound like I’m full of myself or anything, but I don’t get “rejected” very often, and that definitely happened recently. Now, before you start thinking that I walked up to someone in a bar, threw my panties at them, and got laughed at, it wasn’t quite like that. I think the reason it hit me so hard was that this was someone I thought I was almost guaranteed to jump in bed with on an upcoming date.
Here’s the set-up: I’ve known this guy for years, and in fact, *he* had a crush on *me* for most of those years! We’re both social dancers, and community leaders in our dance scenes. For a long time we didn’t really have any reason to connect off the dance floor. And then one weekend, at competition event we were both judging, the connection between us just spontaneously combusted. It was all I could do to remain professional… It was a powerful connection!
By the end of that night it was clear to me that I desired sexual interaction in as immediate a future as I could manifest. But because of some professional and logistical circumstances, we couldn’t act on our mutual desires that night.
Over the next few weeks, we had all manner of flirtations via various technological chat mechanisms. We even have a date, during which I’m *sure* sex (meaning, in this case, penis-in-vagina penetration) is on. However during this date (after some really epic making-out, followed by a lovely dinner) he tells me he doesn’t do that kind of intercourse with someone on a first night together. To this I say,
“Ok, that’s totally cool, thanks for telling me. What kinds of behaviors would you like to engage in with me?”
(Yes, this is *actually* how I talk sometimes, even when I’m about to be tangled in sheets with someone.) We proceed to have a discussion of what would be excellent for both of us, and making some boundary agreements (facilitated by mutually transparent communications of what feels right for us that night), which results in some great sexy play together. Altogether a fantastic time.
Weeks go by. We’re both ridicu-busy. We finally come up for air, and plan our second date.
I suggest “getting a room.” And basically he says,
“You know, I’m not sure I’m interested in a monogamous relationship with you, and that’s what it would it would take for me to be willing to have the kind of sexual interaction you’ve expressed interest in.”
Wow. I have to admit, I was a bit devastated. Weeks of sexual tension, and lots of hopeful excitement on my part, and I was just so sad that this opportunity for connection in this way wasn’t available!
The icing on the cake is this: he wasn’t saying he didn’t want that kind of interaction with me, *NOR* was he saying he wasn’t interested in dating! He actually made it pretty clear to me that he was potentially interested in monogamy with me, but he didn’t want to date non-monogamously, or just have intercourse.
The clincher was that *I couldn’t compromise a core value of my own.*
I identify sexually as polyamorous, which means it’s a high value for me to both have freedom in my sexual choices, and also to be able to offer my *partners* that same freedom. I just want to say that I know this is not feasible relationship paradigm for everyone, but it works really well for me. I have come to that choice over many years of trying many kinds of relationships, and figuring out what works for me personally. But suddenly here was someone I was wildly attracted to, who was asking me to challenge that again.
I had to do some serious soul-searching to see if that was something that was actually authentic for me. At the time I had just ended primary partnership (poly buzz-word; PM me if you want more info :-)), so I was available to make that choice, since I wasn’t seeing anyone else. I could have, too.
And I’ll be completely transparent: it was tantalizing prospect. I would be able to be in a relationship that is more acceptable in mainstream culture, and I’d be able to explore this really powerful attraction.
My ultimate decision was that I needed to remain true to my core values.
I chose to stay committed to the things that I had chosen because I had put so much thought and effort into why those choices were important.
So here’s my question to you: in what ways have you sacrificed something pivotal to your core values in order to have the thing you wanted?
I’d like to make it really clear that I *do not* see self-sacrifice, or the shifting of core values, as negative or “bad” things. But I do believe, very strongly, that we need to be aware of what we have given up to get where we are… And what we have gained!
So often the benefit far outweighs the sacrifice, but we lose sight of that in the grief over what we gave up.
So give things up, and look at what you have given up, and grieve for those things…
Then celebrate what you have today in your life, your relationships, your families, everywhere.
And schedule a call with me to tell me all about it. I’d love to know what you’re celebrating!
My private coaching program is still open, but I’m only taking registrations through Thanksgiving! And once I fill it up, your next opportunity for private coaching won’t come around again until well after the new year.
I’d love to help you go into the holiday season with renewed vigor about your sexuality, communication, or relationship.
Schedule a call with me today if you’re ready to step into a new paradigm!
Yours in celebration,